Out with one and in with another

Writing, as it seems, is something I always seem to come back to, no matter what I do in life. Though I have not been writing much here, I have been on my trucking blog due to the fact that I was exercising my CDL right to drive commercially. Though things did not go as planned financially, hence why I am not writing there at the moment, they went horribly wrong when it came to my health and well being.


I was loosely following the Primal Blueprint diet while I was in St. Petersburg, FL working. I attempted to maintain that diet while out on the road, but since all I could afford was instant food most of the time, that did not happen. The fact of the matter is that I gained a bit of weight, probably about 10 to 15 pounds. Unfortunately, I do not have a scale that will give me a readout, the one I currently have goes to 400 only. So, I can only guess until such time as I can either find a scale I can borrow, or I lose the weight down to 399 to which I will get a reading on my current scale.

I arrived back with my family in Pittsburgh, PA on August 30th. To quickly catch you up, everyone moved from Orlando, FL to Pittsburgh, PA to start fresh. Everyone asks us why we would move from Florida to Pennsylvania. All I can say is that living in Florida requires a person to not only be able to deal with tropical heat on a low scale, but also deal with the fact that the entire state is Tourist run. Finding a good job is tough but finding any job can be tougher. Once I arrived back with my family, I was put straight back on the Primal Diet. It has been detox hell for me, the past 2 weeks have been rage filled due to releasing of the carbohydrate addiction. My brain is telling me that I am dying because it is not getting the fast sugars from the carbs anymore. The longer I go, and the more detox I go through, my brain is causing me to have anger fits, small things are setting me off and the hate I feel for everyone around me is immense. Most times I have to go back to disassociation tricks I used in High School to keep from standing up and throwing someone through a wall or window. Last night I had some sort of fugue where everything was closing in on me. Sound and touch were painful and not painful at the same time. I started snapping at everyone for little things. I think the only thing that saved me from devolving was that we suddenly had guests in the house. I was able to pull myself up out of that pit and be somewhat human.

I know people worry about me and how much I weigh. I understand that and acknowledge the fact. Losing the weight is difficult, not only because it does require some work but because I am impatient.  If I have a hard time seeing that something is working, I will assume its not and give up the effort. I know that when I was younger that my eating habits were badly formed, my Father was overweight and would eat half gallons of ice cream in one sitting at times. He fought a constant battle against his weight and succeeded once when he went on a liquid diet that was Doctor administered. He lost weight so fast that the skin did not have a chance to shrink with him. However, he did lose the weight and started walking  a lot. This did not last as food called to him again as a crutch for something that I have no idea for and the weight came back with a vengeance. He died last year from complications caused from Diabetes. He was on dialysis for the last 5 or 6 years because his kidneys were shut down.  Many toes were removed and there were sores and wounds on his body the refused to heal properly. My entire related family saw him at his worst on his deathbed in the hospital and I know that when they look at me, that is what the foresee for me as well if I do not do something about it.

You would figure that would temper the impatience in me, that I would pause and realize that time was taken to get where I am and that time needs to be taken to get back out. It should, but I don't know why it does not. Either my food addictions are that strong or there is something wrong with my brain. Sometimes I do feel that my personality is being sacrificed in some way. I don't know if it is for good or for ill, but I do sense a shift and change there and it worries me. Currently, my head is a sack of buzzing bees that swim around from place to place as I try to find my footing each day but all I can manage is to take one step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other as it were and make the best of every moment that comes along.

Be that as it may, I have been on the Primal diet for 11 days. It has been stated to me that the malaise I am going through stops after 2 weeks or so. You go from feeling like the Grinch to feeling like Charlie Buckett winning the Golden Ticket, I will believe it when I get there. Right now, chewing nails seems like a wonderful pastime. I did manage to go for a walk the other day, here are the results:

http://runkeeper.com/user/xianoth/activity/115888480

I did my mile and damn near killed myself to get it. My last official walk for exercise was May 25th.  I find it interesting that a few months can kill so much effort. The incentive for walking now isn't so much that there is weight to be lost, though that is a big incentive. This area hosts a unique running group called the Pittsburgh Hash House Harriers. Its a drinking group with a running problem. I have a friend who already goes to these events and I would like to participate as well. However the trails are 3 to 7 miles long. I am having a problem walking 1 single mile. So there is incentive to want to get into shape enough to go do this and not be dead fucking last (DFL), which is a title they do hand out. I know I can run when I am in shape, I did it when I was in High School. The problem with myself now is more the fact that once I left High School, I didn't have a gym class to get my ass running around and stay in shape. There were a lot of things that I just didn't get when I was younger, but I don't think anyone either realized that there was a lack of sense or just a set obliviousness that I was under. I had no goals, no aspirations or challenges set up for myself after I got out of school. I recall that I was halfway through senior year when my Guidance Counselor pulled me aside and asked my what scholarships I was looking into and what colleges I was planning to attend.  I looked at him confused and said none. No one had ever brought up the subject before, so I never thought about it as being something I should be working towards. At times I feel that I am so smart that I am dumb, at least at some things that others find to be common sense or obvious.

Aside from walking, I also started working with my kettle bell again last night and again this morning after I woke up. I am sore, but not too bad off. I need to build up some muscle tone and stamina if I am to be walking a lot more. So, add pain to the mix of mental distress. I am going to be a freaking mess for awhile.

At this time I am also looking for a job, I have a few opportunities that I am stretching to get interviews for at the moment. So hopefully I will be working soon as well. Things are changing for me and hopefully for the best.